The weather today in the city is horrendous. Its this weird cold gloomy rainy disgusting mess. I hate this weather. I hate the cold. I hate the fucking South Shore. I hate buses that only come every hour. I hate midterms. I hate feeling like my gf is ashamed of me in public. I hate feeling like I miss M. I hate not being able to see my friends and disappointing them. I hate fucking people who don’t give you enough sauce in your tempeh fucking sandwich. I hate organic soda with 31 fucking grams of sugar. I hate not having money in my bank account. I hate the rain. I hate people who talk beside you on the phone so you can’t even hear yourself think. I hate when I can’t focus. I hate having so much laundry to do. I hate overhearing people talking about traveling and people who wear ugly ass plaid skirts. I hate how I always have a love hate relationship with all the people I have romantic adventures with. I hate parking in the city. I hate assholes who drive in the city like they are gods fucking gift to the world. I hate that I dont have gloves today. I hate that I’m going to miss spinning tonight. I hate how S doesn’t even realize how much she hurts me. I hate how I have no motivation to go to the library and study right now. I hate that I’m just sitting here in the Starbucks writing this. I hate how when I looked up our compatibility calculator, S and I are not compatible really, 38% compatible. I hate how I believe in that stuff so much. I hate how she wants to comfort me though she’s the one thats making me feel shitty. I hate how I get so infatuated with people. I hate how emotional I get and how my highs and my lows are so fucking high and so fucking low. I hate how I just want to feel loved. I hate how I feel like I’m a closet girlfriend. I hate how sad it makes me. I hate that I care. I hate that I can’t print out my fucking class notes for one of my classes. I hate how I have trouble compartmentalizing everything in my head. I hate that I’m so tired. I hate that theres not enough time in a day. I hate that there’s not enough time in a week, in a month, in a year, in a fucking lifetime sometimes. I could keep listing all the things I hate for the next couple hours to be honest. But I’m not sure where that will get me. I better just get to the library and try to study now. Maybe by tomorrow, I will hate everything a little less.

lolitasage

Tonight…i miss you more than I can express. I’m watching a movie about love and I’m thinking of you M. Why can’t you get out of my life? Out of my mind? I miss you. I just want to hear your voice so badly. But I can’t… at least not right now anyways. I have to wait. Let there be time and space between us. But it’s so hard. Especially right now. You’re the most comforting person in the entire world but also the one who upsets me the most. Also the one I think of when I need someone who would understand my mind, who will understand me. Two sides of the same coin you would always say. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you. I wonder off you ever think of me? I think of you everytime theres fog. I wonder if you ever ask yourself what’s going on with me? How I’m doing? How I’m feeling. I wonder if you love me still? Or fuck I don’t even know if love is the right word. You’re my fucking person. I feel sometimes that Im living as me right now..but no one makes me feel as good as you did. When I didn’t want to talk to anyone else. You always were there. You always said the right thing. You always comforted me. You were the one I wanted to talk to. I don’t know if I ever helped you really. Uuuuuuurrrghhhhhhhh. You. You. You. You. You. You. Will you ever come back? Will you ever be healthy again? Could this ever be? Will I ever meet anyone again who will comprehend my brain, my thoughts, my mind, my soul, my being like you did. FUCK. M. FUCK. I miss you so fucking much. So fucking much. It feels like my heart is ripping out of my chest sometimes. We haven’t spoken in a month and a half. Almost two months. Will you always be the one? The one that I compare everyone else to? The one who no one measures up to?

Men aren’t stupid, and you don’t need a complicated set of rules to find a good one who loves you. Here’s the only rule you need: if a man loves you, he will do anything he can to keep you around. Anything.

Kim Gruenenfelder, A Total Waste of Makeup  (via keep-that-pussy-wet)

(via keep-that-pussy-wet)